by Stephanie Logan

I reflect lots and on just about everything. It can be heavy at times and revealing at others. I keep journals and notebooks and scraps of paper and Post-its and flash drives at home and work and, at times, in my car.

Occasionally, I stop and look around at my stacks and scraps – like the box I currently have sitting on my living room floor – and realize that it is time for me to sort things out. I weed through it all.

Does this receipt have that can’t forget quote on it?

Did I jot down my thoughts from last week’s headlines in this notebook or that journal?

Where is that folded up scrap that I wrote that journal prompt on during lunch?

I should finish that scrapbook.

I should pay that bill.

Photo by John-Mark Kuznietsov on

I used to view this as some sort of fatal flaw – as proof that I wasn’t a good enough helpmeet in that godly Christian marriage type of way. That mindset stymied me even after I was divorced and not living that life anymore.

Now though, I accept this as part of my process. It’s a behavior that benefits me emotionally and intellectually. I think best through writing. It helps me to see my own train of thought and identify my emotions. It especially helps me to connect the dots from past to present and present to potential future. Writing helps me to link my knowledge of one thing to another so much so that copying my class and study notes from one notebook to another has always been my go-to method of studying.

All of that reflecting through writing has given me a window on my own life. And because my life has had some significant struggles, the process is often painful before it is enlightening. Yet, when I have written it down, I can also let it go to some extent. Experiences never really leave, and traumas linger. But when I write, I own my stories. They don’t own me.

Contrary to how it may seem, I do not live in a continual state of melancholy or morbidity or grievance. In fact, I spend a great deal of my time in silliness and laughter. My partner could show you the pictures. My kids could tell you the stories.

Perhaps it is that ability – that willingness – to take myself lightly and recognize the absurdities of our human experience that has ultimately kept me balanced in the turmoil. One reader recently told me that they are surprised that I never had a breakdown. Me too, Reader. Me too.

That comment got me reflecting. What has been the key to maintaining some semblance of calm and clarity during my life?

  1. Putting pen to paper frequently – sometimes multiple times a day.
  2. Adding generous doses of laughter to my daily existence.
  3. The relentless search for truth and clarity in my reasoning – even when it takes me to places that I would rather not go. Even when it turns my world on its head.

Former evangelical homeschool mom and one-time missionary and pastor’s wife, Stephanie Logan, aka Snicklefritz, writes from her life story and four decades of experience in the evangelical movement. Her views and stories are her own.

Copyright © 2022


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